Taken in a social context, it can refer to a perceived threat to a valued relationship or to its quality. Jealousy may cause someone to be doubtful of his or her partner and feel threatened by his or her interaction with certain people. It involves a fear of losing the other person. There are different kinds of jealousy and educating yourself on them may help you and your partner develop a stronger relationship.

Healthy Jealousy
Jealousy doesn’t necessarily indicate negative connotations in all cases. After all, it is quite natural for men and women to be protective and possessive of the one that they love. In a relationship, when feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds the couple not to take each other for granted. It can encourage couples to appreciate one another and make an effort to ensure the other person feels valued.

Having reservations about your significant other going to a strip club, the sight of him or her drooling over an attractive person of the opposite sex, or witnessing him or her flirting with someone else are innocent examples of how jealousy can be a perfectly normal reaction.

Destructive Jealousy
Sometimes, jealous feelings can balloon out of proportion. It is a completely different story when jealousy becomes frequent, intense, and irrational. Once you reach this stage, you obsessively begin to question your lover’s loyalty to you and it sends you into a blind rage. You may even try to restrict your partner’s interactions with other people and constantly monitor where he or she goes and what he or she does.

If you can’t control your jealousy, it is bound to be detrimental to your relationship. It eats away at the most important thing holding it together – trust. It can leave your loved one constantly feeling like they are walking on eggshells. If you find yourself drifting into the realm of harmful and unhealthy jealousy, there are things you can do to prevent it from ruining your current and future relationships.

Identify the Root of the Problem

What is causing this unfounded jealousy? You may behave this way because you have been cheated on in the past. This may cause you to be more possessive and controlling in a new relationship for fear of repetition, even if he or she has never given you a reason to be doubtful. If this is the case, it is important to deal with these feelings and insecurities before you enter a new relationship. Harboring unresolved feelings from past relationships is a sure sign that you aren’t ready for a new one.

Give yourself a Reality Check
Focus on what is really happening, not what you perceive to be happening. How realistic is the threat? What evidence do you have that your relationship is in danger? Distinguish fact from fiction.

If you have no solid grounds for feeling jealous, your false accusations will cause a lot of unnecessary strain on the relationship. Don’t let your imagination draw a negative picture of your partner.

Positive Self-Talk
Sometimes, you need to give yourself a pep talk. When you start feeling those twinges of jealousy, remind yourself that your partner loves you and is committed to you. Realize that he or she is with you for a reason. These self-affirmations can help you boost your confidence.

Seek Reassurance
If you can’t talk yourself out of a jealous funk, perhaps communicating your feelings will help resolve your insecurities. One of the best ways to beat jealousy is to ask your partner for reassurance. Make sure you don’t take an accusatory, nagging, or bullying tone with him or her. Instead, share your feelings of doubt and ask them to help you overcome them. By communicating your feelings, you can work out solutions together.

Get an Objective Opinion

Ask a close friend to take note of your behaviour around your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes, you aren’t fully aware of your actions, especially when emotions like jealousy cloud your judgment. By getting a neutral party’s perspective, it can help you fully understand the extent of your actions. A good friend will let you know if your behaviour is out of control and destructive.

Set Boundaries from the Start
Try establishing some general guidelines at the beginning of the relationship. Let your partner know what is and isn’t acceptable for you. Be careful not to use this piece of advice as a means to control your boyfriend or girlfriend, just let him or her know what makes you tick.

For example, how far is too far when it comes to flirting? Telling your partner what makes you uncomfortable can also help you trust him or her more since you are divulging sensitive feelings.

There are lots of negative voices that will tell you that love might exist but you will probably never find it. Don’t believe them. Here are some of the ways you can fight off the messengers of hollow hope:

* Stay away from conversations that lead to conclusions of hopelessness.
Just because that is someone else’s opinion doesn’t mean it has to be yours. Look for conversations of possibility that start with words like, “I can,” and “I will.”

* Resist being manipulated by the media.
The media may whisper or scream that you need to look or act in a certain way in order to attract someone. People who are overweight, bald, past the age of 50 or more, driving a late model car, or wearing ’60s polyester suits meet and fall in love every day. So can you.

* Pay attention to selective exposure.
People who feel and think the same way begin to believe that this collective viewpoint is a law. If you think there is no one out there for you and you have gathered unto yourself five or ten friends who think the same way, then you are going to be rooted in this belief, and you will act accordingly. Make a conscious effort to find and hang out with friends who have a belief of possibility and hope.

Build a bank of people who can resist the voices that say all the good ones are gone. In fact, the next time you hear that phrase, stand up and be heard say, “All the good ones can not possibly be gone I’m still here!”

2. Be unashamedly proactive and methodical. Cold-hearted calculation doesn’t seem like a very magical approach to meeting the love of your life, but there will be plenty of time for magic once you’re dating. Tell yourself that you will do at least two specific things every week to facilitate your quest. And when opportunities present themselves, make things happen rather than just allowing them to unfold. For instance, if you see a hotty and there doesn’t seem to be an easy way to meet him, accidentally bump into him, for God’s sake.

3. If you are going to a party, bar or event, don’t travel in huge wolf packs of women. It’s hard to break into a group that size, plus it’s easy for a guy to think that the moment he turns around after talking to you, all the other chicks are going to laugh hysterically about a comment he made or even the pants he’s wearing. Two is an OK number (you and a friend), but three is even better because one friend has a pal to talk to if you start chatting someone up.

4. Avoid being too glam. When you’re all dolled up, you may feel like a man magnet, but guys are often put off by too much product. Lots of makeup and tons of designer labels scream high-maintenance, and guys don’t like that. One other tip: Consider wearing something that could be a conversation-starter, like a t-shirt with something funny written on it or a faux-fur vest that a guy may ask to touch.

5. Have a drink in your hand. We once had a girl write a piece about her experience being a wing woman someone hired by shy guys to chat up women in bars and then introduce them. She provided a great tip: Don’t stand around empty-handed. If you’re holding a drink, a guy won’t feel he has to immediately buy one for you. But then later, if things are going well, ordering you a refill gives him something positive to do.

6. Do not be too coy. Guys, as we know, like the chase. But if you seem too elusive, guys won’t approach. These days, men shy away from the slightest chance of rejection. So what’s a coy move that works? Make eye contact with an object of desire, hold for three seconds, and then look away. Repeat. If he’s interested, you’ve given him a pretty clear signal that it’s safe to head your way. Once you’re talking to a guy, you don’t want to be all over him. But let him know in a more subtle manner that you’re interested for instance, by laying your hand on his arm when you make a point.

7. When there is an adorable guy suddenly in your path, don’t be so worried about saying the perfect thing that you end up saying nothing at all. As long as you seem friendly, you’ll be OK, so just get something out. Asking for help is a surefire conversation-starter. If you’re in an electronics store, try “Excuse me, could you tell me the difference between LCD and plasma screen TVs?” Humor can work, too. If you’re standing by an elevator, you could slyly say, “I hear that pressing the button 20 or 30 times actually does make it come faster.” Another good trick: playfully polling a guy. An example: “I’m taking a survey for the bar. Did you have to drive more than five miles to get here?” You could also come up with a question about yourself, like: “Do you think I should get blue contact lenses?”

8. Be positive. A few years ago I arranged for a single friend of mine to sit next to a hot guy at a charity dinner. Through the night, I watched them from my table and I had every reason to believe things were going well. But later the guy told me that my friend had offered up an endless stream of negative riffs. She hated the subway, her boss, teacup dogs, e.t.c. She thought that confessing things she didn’t like was a way of bonding with him, but guys are turned off by negativity.

9. Really hear what he has to say. When you’re nervous, it’s easy to become overly self-conscious. You might ask a guy you’ve just met plenty of questions, but be so worried about what to say next that you don’t pay close attention to his answers. Here’s a trick to help you focus: Wait a few beats after he says something and think about what he’s said. Then allow your next comment or question to really play off what he’s told you.

For the unmarried, though, the motivation to stay slim remains: “Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners,” says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City, “so they’re still ‘working on themselves.’” In short, being single is way better than any New Year’s resolution or exercise DVD to motivate you to stay in shape.

Reason #2: You’re more likely to achieve great things.
It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have the time, the quiet and the lack of familial responsibilities. In fact, your premarital motivation to excel in life may be biologically programmed. According to a study conducted at the London School of Economics and Political Scientists, male scientists who stay single longer peak in their careers later in life and tend to be more productive than their married counterparts. Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women and then, once they’ve won a wife, get comfortable and do less. In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children. So single folk should know they are primed to achieve whether that means turbo-charging their careers or honing their rock-climbing skills and get out there and work it!

Reason #3: You do less housework.
You know that saying about a tree falling in a forest and there’s no one there to hear it? Well, if you leave a sock on the floor but there’s no one else there to see it, does it really need to be picked up? If you’re a single woman, you can contemplate deep questions like this one because you have more free time. According to one study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, women do less housework when single than when married. Men, on the other hand, do more housework when unmarried (that’s probably because there’s someone picking up after them once they’re wed…). So the message here is for unmarried women to enjoy their less chore-filled life; fill those free hours with classes, good books, blabbing with friends whatever makes you happy.

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money including keep it.
Go ahead: Splurge on that pricey moisturizer or that obscenely large plasma TV you’ve been lusting after. You don’t have to justify your purchase to anyone but yourself. Once you mix money with marriage, though, things change and fast. According to a survey by Smart Money magazine, 40 percent of women and 36 percent of men have lied to their spouses about a purchase. “When you’re single, your finances are your own,” explains Phyllis Chase, a Los Angeles based psychologist and co-host of the radio show Shrink Rap. “When you’re married, you have to deal with different styles of spending and saving, and you may take on your partner’s debt.” And a marriage that doesn’t make it for the long haul can also have a major negative effect on one’s wealth. According to researchers at Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch.

Reason #5: You have better sex.
Married couples may have more sex (approximately 98 times a year vs. singles’ 49), but singles have better sex. According to a recent study published in the British Medical Journal, married women are significantly more likely to report problems with their sex lives than single women. “People who are dating have better sex because it’s novel,” says Davis. “Married people have to relearn how to play. It’s natural for singles because that’s the nature of a courting relationship they tease, they experiment, they explore.” Nature lends a helping hand, too. According to researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, raging testosterone levels in both men and women makes the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. After that, other hormones take over most notably, oxytocin, a bonding chemical, kicks in. While getting connected and comfortable is a positive step in a relationship, long-term lovers have to work harder to keep things hot in the bedroom. Singles, however, sizzle just the way they are.

Reason #6: You’re better rested and smarter.
While snuggling up next to a warm body can be pretty fantastic, according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation, your bed mate can cause you to lose an average of 49 minutes of sleep per night. Sleeping two to a bed just isn’t as restful as snoozing solo. Other studies confirm that singles generally get more rest seven to eight hours of sleep a night than married couples, which enhances memory, mood and concentration, as well as allows your immune system to recharge. And, according to scientists at the University of Luebeck in Germany, creativity and problem-solving may directly correlate with getting enough sleep. In the study, participants were given a math puzzle; those who’d had eight hours of sleep or more before tackling it were three times more likely to get the right answer than those who slept less. So, singles, revel in the fact that you’re alert, rested and have that extra brain power edge.

Reason #7: You’re less depressed.
Although the media often perpetuates the image of single people being down in the dumps, overall unmarried people tend to be happier than their married counterparts if you’re a woman, that is. One report by the World Health Organization indicated that married women, especially ones with children, have a higher risk for depression than single women, and researchers at the University of London found that single women generally have fewer mental-health issues. “Marriage, in many ways, seems to benefit men more than women,” says Davis. “For women, there’s more of a loss of self.” And, of course, today’s women often feel like they need to do it all have a career, take care of the kids and perform other traditionally “female” responsibilities. “People who aren’t married are still investing in themselves,” says Davis. “It’s not selfish it’s giving to yourself, and that’s something married people can learn from single people.”

Reason #8: You have better friendships.
Significant others are a wonderful thing, no doubt, but friends count, too. And on that front, one study found that, when women get married and have children, they spend much less time with their friends less than five hours a week, down from 14 hours. Singles, however, often have the greatest sense of friendship and community which can actually decrease stress levels, according to researchers at UCLA.

Here’s another way to look at this: “Singles don’t rely on just one person to meet their needs. You don’t automatically know who you’re going to spend Friday night with,” says Sasha Cagen, author of Quirky alone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. “The plus side is that you have a lot of different people in your life and potentially a greater sense of social possibilities.”

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.
Married couples take the most vacations, dominating the market with 62 percent of all trips taken, but singles arguably go on more interesting trips. According to the Travel Industry Association of America, singles corner the adventure-travel market, engaging in activities like white water rafting, scuba diving and mountain biking. Being single and relatively footloose certainly allows you to expand your geographical and personal borders. “I have lived abroad, backpacked for close to a year, have been in love three times and much more,” says Courtney Davis, 27, a media-relations manager in Boston. “With every place and every person, my world has expanded.”

Reason #10: You know yourself and what you want out of a relationship.
You are a better catch now than you were at 20. You may have signs of, ahem, experience etched on your face, but that’s OK because you’re more interesting and more self-aware. Not only have you grown as a person, but you’ve probably been through the ringer a few times in matters of love and now know what you want and what you don’t. Experts say that bodes well for future marital success and may actually decrease the likelihood of divorce. “When people get married young, they often feel like the other person will complete them, and they have trouble moving past that Hollywood myth,” explains Chase. “But maturity brings so much, because if you’re able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage.” And that’s a wonderful message: Your single self is great… and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you’re more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too.

So, what is there to learn about how to impress your woman?

Do not Let Your Feelings Overtake You
There is a saying that a man loses his senses after four drinks and a woman loses hers after four kisses. For women, creating a perfect mood for a kiss is just as important, if not more, as the perfect kiss. Men are less concerned about the mood as they are concerned about the actual kiss. That’s why so many men make the most horrendous mistake of forcing themselves into their respectful lady to satisfy their desire and to express their love. If you are truly serious about the perfect kiss, then create the perfect mood first.

Do not Rush
As mentioned above, men are often led into thinking that masculinity – strength, forcefulness, abruptness – is what makes them man. Women may be weaker than men in terms of physical strength, but when they are determined that they will not give in, no man can force them into kissing.

If you force your way into kissing, assuming that she, too, is ready and is craving for it when in fact she is not, you risk turning her off. Don’t rush and study her carefully. Listen to what she says and watch how she moves until you know it’s the right time.

Watch Your Tongue
You love her desperately, but there is no sign of such level of affection on her part. First, create the perfect mood for the kiss. Second, target her tongue. Women are especially sensitive to a French kiss and when she feels the touch of your tongue with her own, she feels that she has given something so meaningful and valuable to you. At that moment, your tongue can mean the world to her. There is no way that she cannot fall in love with you.

Give Her a Chance
You will never succeed in kissing when it is a one way play. There must be this subtle game of give and take, which makes it all the more sweet and mesmerizing. If you want to enjoy this game, give her a chance to enter the game.

If you put your tongue inside her mouth and stay there without knowing what to do – like a child lost in amusement park – she feels the sudden urge to take over the game.

Softness
Strength is not the only thing that gives pleasure. You must be soft and gentle when you kiss. Men often make the mistake of giving into their own feelings all too easily when they kiss, thereby making woman feel like something is being forced into her. Be gentle and always watch how she is reacting. Always control your tempo.

Close Your Eyes
It’s not a rule, but you should always close your eyes when you kiss. When you leave your eyes open, you lose concentration and you might be led into thinking about other things, which she will eventually notice. Besides, wouldn’t you naturally close your eyes when you kiss?

Fresh Breath
Now matter how much she loves you, you are an immediate turnoff when she is met by stinky breath at what is supposed to be a very romantic and memorable moment. Always carry mouthwash or gum – strawberry candy is also good – for the perfect moment.

Be Comfortable With Your Hands
If it’s your first kiss with her, you are very likely to be awkward with your posture while you are kissing. The most natural way is to put your hands around her waist or her back.

practice makes perfect

So you’ve met the perfect moment and all you need to do is to turn those few minutes into an eternity for both her and yourself. We’ve all dreamed of our first kiss and imagined how it’s going to feel, and most of us have already put that into a test. For those who have not yet experienced the magic of a first kiss, keep in mind that the aforementioned advice is a definite asset.

If you expect to find a man that is free from game- playing, lying, cheating, and deceiving, be committed to being that kind of person yourself. Make a conscious effort to treat others with respect. Decide to be open and honest with others, decide to share and give of yourself, and decide to live up to the truthfulness and righteousness in which you believe. The closer you move toward becoming Ms. Right the sooner you will attract Mr. Right because people of like mines, words, and deeds are drawn to one another.

I remember when I realized that the game playing in my life had to stop. I moved to a new city with the belief that if I got away from the bad influences in my life (i.e. “bad men”) everything would be great. However, within one month of living in my new city I had attracted the same old drama. I quickly realized that although my environment had changed I had stayed the same, and had created all the same turmoil within a very short period of time.

I began the slow and steady progression toward being a better person. Two years later I married a great man, and we have been in a twelve- year marriage that is sincere, respectful, and free of game playing. Not to imply that we have not hurt each other because we have. It’s hard to avoid hurting each other in any relationship. However, we come together in respect and honesty to work out our problems, and try really hard to be the best we can be for each other. We own our emotions, and share how we feel with the knowledge that it may get ugly at times, but we can get through it.

Stirring it up: Observe how you interact with the men in your life. Think about what you might be with holding, hiding, sneaking, lying about, cheating, and the games you may be playing. In your heart, you will recognize right from wrong because God made it so. The next time you feel like what you are about to do is wrong do not give in. Do what is right! Then ask yourself what motivated you to want to do wrong. Why did you feel justified to do the wrong thing? It is not because you are a bad person it probably has more to do with emotions like fear, anger, frustration, envy or disappointment. Remember it is okay to feel these emotions because God made them, but it is not okay to react destructively because of what you feel.

Using a depression scale whose scores ranged from zero to 84, the researchers found that the scores of depressed people went down by almost 8 points after marriage, while those who weren’t depressed had just under a 2-point drop after marriage.

Even the study authors were surprised by their findings. “We thought people who were depressed would be less likely to benefit from marriage than others,” said study co-author Kristi Williams, an assistant professor of sociology at Ohio State University in Columbus. “We thought depression would put a strain on the marriage.”

Williams and her co-author, Adrianne Frech, a doctoral student at Ohio State, presented the results of their study August. 13 at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association, in Montreal.

This research comes on the heels of another study that found that people who never marry had a greater chance of dying early than people who were married. In fact, people who’d never married had an even higher risk of early death than people who were divorced, separated or widowed, suggesting that marriage confers some sort of health benefit, even if it doesn’t work out.

Using data from the National Survey of Families and Households, the Ohio State researchers gathered information on more than 3,000 people who were single at the start of the study in 1987-88. The survey participants were interviewed again sometime between 1992 and 1994.

To assess whether or not people were depressed, they were asked 12 questions, such as how many days in the past week they “felt like they could not shake off the blues, “felt lonely,” or “slept restlessly.” About 29 percent were depressed at the start of the study, according to Williams.

During the second part of the study, they gathered information on who had gotten married and reassessed depression. Williams said at that time, 30 percent of those who remained unmarried were depressed, while only 26 percent of those who got married were depressed.

The researchers found that those who were depressed seemed to gain the most mental health benefits from getting married, with depressed people enjoying nearly a six-point higher reduction in their depression scores after marriage than non-depressed people.

“We actually found the opposite of what we expected. We thought depressed people would be less likely to benefit from marriage because the depression of one spouse can put a strain on the marriage and undermine marital quality,” Frech said in a prepared statement.

As to why depressed people may enjoy more benefits from matrimony, Williams theorized, “We think that depressed people may have more to gain from the emotional support and close intimate ties that come with marriage.” That doesn’t mean people who aren’t depressed won’t have happy marriages, Williams quickly added: “If you start out happy, you don’t have as far to go.”

The findings don’t mean that depressed people should substitute marriage for depression treatment either, she said. “This was just an average association,” said Williams. “We’re not saying that depressed individuals should run out and get married.”

“Clearly, one should not look upon these results as recommending that depressed people should get married,” said Dr. Charles Goodstein, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine in New York City. “The likelihood is strong that such a marriage might fall apart.”

But, he added, these study results suggest that depressed people stand to gain more from marriage. “At the very least, the depressed person gets the sense that there’s someone who cares about them.” However, Goodstein also pointed out that this particular survey may not accurately assess depression.

“Depression is a much more complicated matter than can be diagnosed on a survey. There is such a wide range of what we call depression, and many people can pass through society without being seen as depressed,” he said. Williams agreed that the survey used in this study can’t be used to diagnose individual depression, but said it was designed to give an estimate of depression in a community population.

For this, one must prepare to give oneself away to others and develop a never ending steam of trust within yourself so that you can accept everyone you meet without judgments or fear. Some believe that if one looks deep inside the eyes of another person with complete acceptance and love, one can create new levels of intimacy and spiritual bonding. It is during this quest, where we treat every individual as a potential soul mate, that we will eventually find the one that we are looking for.

Some people confuse this discovery as an endeavor to look for the ultimate romantic partner. Finding your soul mate is a search for wholeness or completion. It may lead to a physical union but it is much beyond mere physical desire. You can feel attracted to many others, but there could only be one person who will fit in perfectly to complete the puzzle of your life.

If you can learn to love unconditionally, abandon yourself to your spiritual desires and accept wholeheartedly the people that God sends in our lives everyday, you will find your soul mate without any doubt.

Bold Banter
What I Mean: A little playful teasing can be the hugest turn on. Women don’t like to be agreed with about everything we say (no matter what you’ve heard!).

Why It Works: Some titilating but harmless arguing allows the man to push the woman’s buttons and vice versa. The power struggle heats up the sexual tension and draws you two together. I mean, what’s more intimate than a lovers’ quarrel?

A word of warning, there is a big difference between teasing a woman about being lost in your eyes and about her weight. Don’t be a jerk, just don’t be a pushover either.

Women say they hate to be told what to do, but it can actually be quite arousing. It’s a sexy challenge. You tell her she’ll be tearing your clothes off later, she can’t help but picture that image – even if she denies it. You think the lady doth protest too much? Most likely.

Lingering Looks
What I Mean: If there is some sort of group dynamic, or if you are dancing together, and you glance her way and just hold this gaze – shivers. Eyes say a lot and really sexy men know exactly how to put what they are thinking out there.

Why It Works: It makes her feel like she is the only woman in the room. It is so hot to feel someone’s eyes on you when you know what they are thinking. Again, the sexual tension is kicked up big time. From one look, you could leave her dying inside wondering and waiting for what the two of you can do when you actually are alone.

Masculine Manners
What I Mean: Who would think politeness could be an aphrodisiac? But take my word for it, holding doors, pulling out chairs, compliments – even if she laughs them off, she’s impressed.

Why It Works: It’s rare to be treated with respect and like a lady these days! The reason it’s so sexy is because it really calls attention to your roles as men and women. Like Ron Burgundy said to his date: “You be a woman. I’ll be a man”.

For whatever reason, calling attention to the obvious can be really hot. And all this gentle courtship is really so you can impress her right? So while the man is acting like he’s in charge, the woman gets to feel like she is calling the shots. Not to mention the sexy contradiction of all this gentlemanly gallantry with whatever sinful thoughts might be going on in your minds.

Subtle Strokes

What I Mean: Women are fondled unnecessarily on pretty much a daily basis so if we’re out on a date and there is more groping to contend with, that is a huge turn off. Try a different approach. The old “reverse pyschology” works pretty well in this area. A man who can really hold back and just lightly brush her hair off her shoulder or softly caress her leg is going to find himself with a woman wanting more, more, more.

Why It Works: It’s a clear case of wanting what you can’t have. Being out with a guy who is not doing all about bumping and grinding can be a refreshing but strangely frustrating experience.

The less you touch her, the more she will want it! Especially when teased with a gentle hand on hers or a slight brush of her leg. She will tremble and sensual thoughts will be hard to escape.

Whispered Words
What I Mean: Tell her she’s beautiful, tell her she turns you on – quietly. This too makes her feel like you are the only ones in the room. It’s especially sexy if you do it when there are a ton of people around and there’s no real way for her to respond.

Why It Works: All this pent up sexual tension will leave her ready to explode. Women are auditory creatures and hearing your naughty little thoughts will leave us so shaken we won’t be able to concentrate on anything else.

Words are powerful and as long as you don’t overdo it with porno type cheesiness, she’ll be unable to resist your steamy suggestions. Even a simple “I want to kiss you right now” will cause a rush of desire – if she wasn’t thinking about sex before, there’s no chance she’s ignoring that tantalizing tidbit.

2. What do you love about your job?
The standard, “What do you do?” is a closed question that doesn’t reveal much about a person other than a job title. But if you phrase the career question a bit differently, you can delve into your date’s likes and dislikes; reveal his or her strengths; see how he or she handles conflict; and find out how happy this person is with life overall. Think about the different impressions you’ll form if your date answers the question, “Knowing that I’m helping people fulfill their dream” versus “Deciding what to order for lunch!”

3. What is your definition of a relationship?
Granted, it takes a bit of build up to ask this question (usually, once you begin discussing your dating histories, you can slip this one in), but it’s worth asking. Does your date want to be wined and dined, or are you both looking for a 50/50 relationship? It’s too soon to know what this specific potential relationship will look like, but a question like this lets you share your expectations and fundamental beliefs. “I like to ask this question early on, because I’ve found that some women I’ve dated didn’t know what they wanted out of our relationship,” says Mario Webb of Ft. Walton Beach, FL. “They came into it just hoping things work out without telling me what they expect. Needless to say, things haven’t worked out.” And if your date’s answer is outside the range of what you consider acceptable, you’ve saved yourself future heartbreak by finding out before you fall for him or her.

4. If money were no object, what would you do with your life?
This tried-and-true icebreaker showcases your date’s hopes, dreams, and even regrets topics that often remain untouched by even serious romantic partners. The answers can range from a desire to travel to going back to school to learning how to play the violin. Two buttoned-up stockbrokers might discover they both share a secret longing to be athletes or a shared devotion to public service. Your date’s response will help clue you in to common goals and interests that go beyond what you do on a day-to-day basis.

5. Will you share an embarrassing moment with me?
This fun question is great to ask when a date has gotten a little tense or quiet, because it reveals both details of your date’s history and his or her character. Just know that you may have to share an awkward experience first in order to make your date feel comfortable. “One of the great things is that our humanity is a bonding thing,” says Hogan. “Our ability to laugh at ourselves is critical in a budding relationship.” So make it clear that you’re not looking for dirt on that plagiarism incident in 11th grade, but rather something goofy, like the time you drove a golf cart into the water, installed a chandelier upside-down and so forth.